Social Influences, Fawning, & Soul Ties

6/27/2025

NOTE: about every 5 weeks, I show up on Salt and Light Radio’s Blessed and Beautiful Segment for 15 minutes to share thoughts and experiences on an assigned topic. While the interview plays out spontaneously, this is a more comprehensive reflection of what aired on Friday, June 27, 2025.

Social influences are a natural part of life. However, the term, “social influence,” typically carries the negative connotation of a process by which individuals change or are swayed in their thoughts, feelings, or behaviors due to the real, imagined, or virtual presence or opinion of others, which can lead to conformity, group think or even cultish situations. Social influences can be positive or negative, leading down dark paths if we aren’t careful and discerning. When this happens, the individual loses her own sense of self and gives way to others’ opinions without checking them against the law of God written upon the heart (Ez. 11: 19; 2 Cor. 3:3). It’s easy to do, and we’ve all fallen prey to negative social influences, a type of peer pressure or even bullying experienced on multiple fronts, including the secular, political, religious, or tribal mentality within Church itself.

The question isn’t if we have longings for belonging and questions needing truth, but where we go for fulfillment and answers. In his latest book, John Eldridge laments that we have all become "Internet Disciples." To be a disciple means to be a follower or student of fill in the blank . So, whose disciples are we? What do we disciple? We are shaped by those we associate with, what we listen to, what we watch, and the social media we engage in. The problem, in our day and age, is the prevalence of being internet disciples, of turning immediately and frequently to google, AI, ChatGPT, virtual specialists and podcasters for everything. Or, perhaps we talk to a certain friend or friends multiple times a day 365 days a year. This is grossly inadequate for a Christian who is called to follow, first and foremost, Jesus Christ. How well we know our faith and stick to it is one issue. But in the nuances of faith applied to life, most questions lie in the gray areas. There we must know Him as our Rock and ourselves in Him.

If God is our Everything, the first Place we go, the first Person we turn to, the first Reference point for our problems, why is it so hard? How can we access Him or allow Him access to us? Certainly, Scripture, Tradition, and Magisterium, but also from within, for we are “temples of the Holy Spirit” (1 Cor 3: 19). One of the effects of the sacrament of baptism is that we become “a temple of the Holy Spirit” (CCC 1265). Jesus said it was better that He leave so He could send His Spirit into us, that we would be directed, not from the outside in, but from inside out! (Jn 16: 7). This is the great grace by which we fellowship with God…but few of us do. Sometimes God speaks to us through others, through circumstances, through nature, but we recognize that is Him in an embodied way. Encounter School of Ministry has a saying that, “God often speaks to us through us.” In other words, we must learn to recognize His unique way and language with each of us. We are created in the image of God, for relationship with God, and designed to hear Him. But how? There are four ways of hearing God's voice: (1) seeing (an inner image with our mind’s eye), (2) hearing (his voice within which often sounds like ours, but we know isn’t), (3) feeling (his touch like tingles, warmth, or tears), and (4) thinking (receiving thoughts of truth or wisdom).

Hearing God is one thing, but staying in Him to prevent negative social influences from overriding us is another. Why? Often, we want to fit it, make others happy, or we are afraid of losing something (like reputation, belonging, a promotion, etc.). What prompts us to sacrifice truth and self to the whims and wiles of others? What causes us to lose our center, our grounding, and second guess ourselves, fearing that we might be wrong, that we can’t stand strong? And so…we acquiesce or give in. One angle is understanding one’s social defense mechanism. Most people are familiar with the big three: fight, flight, and freeze. Did you know they have added a fourth called, “fawn,” which is especially prevalent among women (see The Best of You by Dr. Allison Cook). To fawn means to flatter and acquiesce. For Christian Catholics, this can also be rooted in an juvenile understanding of being “nice” (devoid of truth, boundaries, and real love) or it could have had a critical place in early years for the purpose of survival. Yet, these defense mechanisms longer help us as adults. To maintain our center, to stay grounded in the Lord within us, we must heal and detach. This often means setting healthy boundaries with people, groups, or apps.

Since today is the solemnity of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, we turn to the Sacred Heart for our primary social influence and navigation model. There is one place in Scripture where Jesus describes His heart. It is Mt. 11: 29, where he says, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves.”

People often mistake meekness for weakness, when it actually means controlled strength. In Scripture the Greek word for meek was praus which was used to classify war horses, indicating strength. “When a horse passed the conditioning required for a war horse, its state was described as ‘praus,’ [that is, meek]. The war horse had ‘power under authority,’ ‘strength under control.’ A war horse never ceased to be determined, strong and passionate. However, it learned to bring its nature under discipline” (Reddit). When we are meek, living in moderated strength like Christ, we stand strong in the midst of storms and various influences.
People often mistake humility for debasement or self-contempt, when it actually means living in God’s love and one’s equality with others, neither more than nor less than. Humility brings us to acknowledge God’s greatness and our littleness, but that’s OK because He holds us with great care. Humility avoids the extremes of degrading oneself as always lower than others as well as exalting oneself as better higher than others. Between seeing oneself as less than or more than others, we see that we are equal to our brothers and sisters – this is the reality of calling on God as “Our Father”. When we are humble, we listen to and consider social influences, but weigh them against the deep faith that we hold within ourselves and know to be true.

In conclusion, there are some practical ways to manage social influences. A few weeks ago, I went on a seven-day silent retreat at Our Lady of Ephesus retreat center in Boise. What a beautiful time of renewal and detox. Not everyone can get away for a 7 day retreat, but perhaps we can go on 3 day spiritual exercises, camping in the wilderness and turning off phones and music, consider Fridays a fasting day from food and media, or put a 10 minute time limit on all social media apps. Once we experience the wholesomeness of silence and are confronted with ourselves, we begin to see and live life differently. We live in an era where everyone is in constant Fear Of Missing Out. Consider renouncing this lie because reality means that one choice eliminates other choices and the only thing we don’t want to miss out on is the Will of God. If it’s a particular person(s) that exhibits undue influence in our life, we may want to address "soul ties," which are disordered, unhealthy, unholy bindings or attachments of one person to another that can and should be broken in the name of Jesus. Here is prayer used by Bob Schuchts from the John Paul II Healing Institute with a slight addition used at Encounter School of Ministry:

"In the name of Jesus,
I renounce all unholy attachments with (name the person).
I take the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, and
break and cut all unhealthy mental, emotional, physical,
sexual or spiritual ties, with (name the person).
I ask you, Lord, to forgive us both for sinning against you and each other.
I take back what I gave to this person and
give back what I took from him/her that’s outside of Your plan.
Please release us both to live in the freedom of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.”

In. Spirit. And. Truth.