April Lights - What Forgiveness Is & Isn't

The white tulip signifies a new beginning through forgiveness in serenity and worthiness.

Dear Friends,
 
May you have blessed Holy Week. Considering the timing, let’s imagine the forgiving heart of Jesus from his passion through his ascension. As he hung on the cross, the very people he created, loved, and saved tortured him: either directly by their insults, spit, and physical violence (the soldiers), or indirectly, by their failure to accompany him in his worst moments (the apostles). Jesus cried, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do" (Lk 23: 24, NABRE). On Easter morning, he miraculously entered the locked room, where the disciples huddled in fear and confusion, and said, "Peace be with you" (Jn 20: 19). Jesus' forgiveness prompted an impartation of peace followed by a challenge. The three times Jesus asks Peter if he loves him are "redue" opportunities for his three betrayals (Jn 21: 17). Jesus sets the stage for our understanding of authentic forgiveness, which means knowing what forgiveness is and isn't. 

Forgiveness is...
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1. Imperative to holiness, salvation, and healing. The "Our Father" reminds us that the Father's ability to forgive us is related to our ability to forgive others (Mt. 6: 14-15). Unforgiveness is a primary block to growth in holiness and one of the most unconfessed sins of our times. Jesus advised, "If you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Mt. 5: 23-24). A wise adage holds, "unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies." Forgiveness releases the ugly hold we have on others, a hold this is simultaneously self-defeating. Forgiveness is key to healing from addictions and may open doors to physical healing because it is a taproot (Schuchts, Be Healed, p. 186).
2. Initiated with a choice, although it may eventually progress to felt forgiveness and compassion. It isn't hypocritical to forgive with "the will" first, that is, without feeling it. "It is there, in fact, "in the depths of the heart," that everything is bound and loosed. It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession" (CCC #2843). In addition to forgiveness of others, it is sometimes necessary to take inventory of: forgiveness of self (often the hardest) and forgiveness of God (for those "perceived" sufferings that we ask "why" about).  
3. Carried out in various "ways.” (a) One of the most common and effective is to remember the injury and then pray out loud, "In the name of Jesus, I forgive _(name)_for _(be specific)_ (Lozano, Unbound, p. 84). You may want to add, “and I release her from all debt she owes me.” (b) Imaginatively enter into a Scripture with that person. Two of the best “forgiveness Scriptures” are that of Jesus hanging on the cross  and the parable of the prodigal son (Lk.23: 24; 15: 11-32). What is it like to be Jesus on the cross, or the Father receiving His wayward sons and daughters? (c) Return to the memory of injury and invite a Person of the Trinity (and/or even a saint or angel) into that memory? Sit with it; develop it with the Holy Spirit. How does the Lord work in that to heal, reconcile, and bring compassion? (d) Remember to confess your own sins and unforgiveness in sacramental confession. 

Forgiveness isn't...
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1. Compatible with being gullible. Jesus encouraged his disciples to be “as shrewd as serpents and as simple as doves…beware of people…” (Mt.10: 16-17). It is right and smart to pay attention to warning signs so that we are not repeatedly sideswiped. Forgiveness strives to see the other as God sees, and it warrants a judgment regarding how trustworthy someone is in light of his track record.  While forgiveness means letting go, cancelling debts, healing memories, seeing the good in others and finding ways to partner with them, it is not a call to stupidity. Reason tells us entrust ourselves to others in the measure of their trustworthiness. Human maturity brings wisdom in dealing with others. Holiness builds on this, because real love calls others higher. 
2. Failing to set boundaries. We may misread the Gospels or lives of the saints and get the impression that we are called to be a doormat. However, quoting St. Thomas Aquinas, The Catechism states, to “love is to will the good of the other” (CCC, #1766). The “good” of the other is her “objective” good, that is, the vision God has for her. Pope St. John Paul II specified that the opposite of love is “using” or “reducing” others (General Audience of February 6, 1980). We may not use others nor allow ourselves to be used (Mk. 12: 31), which necessitates “boundaries” or criteria for the relationship that are defined, communicated, and carried out when the line is crossed. Inability to set boundaries may indicate situation confusion, faulty theology, unhealthy upbringing, co-dependency issues, or personal safety risks (which warrants professional assistance).
3. Making excuses for sin and crime. We have all heard the maxim, “love the sinner and hate the sin.” Jesus modelled this in his interactions with the adulterous woman when he said, “neither do I condemn you. Go and from now on do not sin anymore” (Jn. 8:1-11). Jesus taught a process of going first to the person who sinned against us and then widening the scope of appropriate advocates if there is lack of response (Mt. 18: 15-17). We note that The Catechism lists fraternal correction under fruits of charity (CCC, #1829). Admittedly, this must be done in the Holy Spirit: at the right time, in the right way, and by the right person. While mercy always leads, mercy and justice are two sides of the same coin - one without the other compromises both.

Understanding what forgiveness is and isn’t goes a long ways towards implementing forgiveness in our own lives. While real injustices happen all too frequently, many opportunities to forgive follow: personality and cultural differences, failures in thoughtfulness, chronic and acute miscommunication, and conflict resolution pitfalls. Sometimes those “trigger points” have little to do with others and everything to do with living out of core lies at the center of our hurt. In the beginning, we choose to forgive, but, in the end, we pray for the forgiveness that surpasses human understanding and stems from the compassionate heart of the Father for all His children. The way of Christ is the (best) way for us.

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Links to additional "lights" this month

Music: "He Is" by Crowder. Article: "What Would JPII Do?" by Tom Hoops at The National Catholic Register. Video: The Chosen trailer for season 2 episode 1, which debuts on Easter 2021! Podcast: "Family Wounds – Marriage" by Bob Schuchts and Jake Khym at Restore the Glory.